What is PDA?

Learning about Pathological Demand Avoidance (“PDA”), also increasingly called Persistent Drive for Autonomy, can feel for many parents and carers like a lightbulb moment: suddenly, behaviours that once seemed confusing, oppositional, and extreme begin to make sense.

Of course all children (and indeed adults) avoid demands sometimes, but children with a PDA profile experience demands very differently. Even ordinary expectations like getting up and getting dressed, answering a question, eating a meal or transitioning between activities can trigger a genuine fight, flight, or freeze response. This is because PDA is characterised by an extreme avoidance of everyday demands and expectations, driven by high levels of anxiety and a need to maintain a sense of control. Importantly, this avoidance is not about defiance; it is about feeling unsafe and/or overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, PDA is also widely misunderstood. All too often it is dismissed as “bad behaviour,” and treated as a consequence of poor parenting; as can be seen from the current backlash against so-called gentle parenting, exemplified by the FAFO (“F**k Around and Find Out”) school of thought. And it isn't always obvious when a child or young person might be experiencing PDA. It is not uncommon for children with PDA to appear capable and articulate, even precocious, which can lead adults to assume that the issue is that they won’t rather than can’t do the things being asked of them.

Common characteristics of PDA may include:

• Resisting or avoiding everyday demands

• Using distraction, negotiation, humour, or role play to avoid tasks

• Sudden emotional escalation when feeling pressured

• High anxiety, often masked by a socially adept and/or chatty presentation

• Difficulty with loss of control or unpredictability

• Appearing comfortable socially but struggling with deeper social understanding

• Intense mood swings or emotional dysregulation when overwhelmed

As well as understanding what PDA is, it is important to understand what PDA is not because when behaviour is viewed through the wrong lense, responses tend to increase conflict rather than reduce it. Key to understanding PDA is to appreciate that it is not:

Bad parenting - Parents are often told they need to be firmer or more consistent. In reality, traditional behavioural approaches frequently increase anxiety and escalate difficulties.

Deliberate manipulation- Strategies that look like manipulation are usually attempts by children to reduce anxiety and/or regain control.

Simple oppositional behaviour - Avoidance in PDA is not primarily about challenging authority — it is about avoiding demands which feel overwhelming, even if objectively they do not appear to be so.

Laziness - Many children with PDA want to succeed but become stuck when demands feel too direct or pressured.

For a child with a PDA profile, demands can represent a loss of autonomy, the fear of getting it wrong, sensory overload, uncertainty about expectations and the internal pressure to perform. Consequently their nervous system responds as if under real threat and what adults see as refusal is often anxiety in action. This is why, as parents and carers frequently find through bitter experience, escalating consequences, rewards, or pressure rarely work long-term — in fact they largely do the opposite by increasing the perceived demand.

Obviously we all live in a world where demands exist and that isn't going to change. For parents and carers therefore, the goal is not to remove all expectations, but to reduce anxiety so that cooperation becomes possible. This is frequently easier said than done, but some helpful approaches include:

Reducing direct demands - Using indirect language (“I wonder if…” rather than “You need to…”), offering choices where possible and framing tasks collaboratively.

Prioritising relationship over compliance - Connection lowers anxiety. When a child feels safe, demands become easier (albeit not easy) to tolerate.

Building flexibility gradually - Meet your child where they are now by starting with things where they can succeed, not where society expects them to be.

Picking your battles - Not every demand needs to be enforced in the moment or sometimes at all. Reducing overall pressure often increases long-term engagement.

Recognising early signs of overwhelm - Avoidance often increases before meltdown. Supporting regulation early prevents escalation.

School environments can be particularly challenging for children with PDA because they are built around demands, routines, and compliance and it is no surprise that for many such children they simply do not work at all. For those who are able to attend, support is most effective when schools view behaviour through the lense of communication, not choice and many of the strategies that work for parents/carers can be adapted for use in an education setting. In particular, for many children a safe (and consistent) adult who understands them can significantly reduce distress.

If you are parenting a child with a PDA profile, you are likely already adapting more than you and others realise. Many families feel they are forever second-guessing themselves and are constantly being told they are “getting it wrong.” You are not. You are responding to a child whose nervous system experiences demands differently. Fundamentally, support is not about lowering expectations forever. It is about creating the conditions where your child feels safe enough to meet them.

If your child or young person struggling in education, SEND Advocacy can provide information, advice and support to help ensure they receive the provision to which they are entitled. If you need someone in your corner to help you secure the education your child deserves, contact SEND Advocacy today.